Hawaiian Shirts: A Definitive Guide
Thrilly’s first foray in the blogging world will be an important one.
Up until recently, I’ve been wholly against the Hawaiian Shirt, or as the natives call it, the “Aloha Shirt”. Any time I saw someone wearing one of these ungodly things in public, I would cringe. I was 100% certain that anyone who wore one was clinically insane.
The Hawaiian Shirt guy had some obvious traits. They love Jimmy Buffett and getting drunk off of one frozen margarita at Great Woods. Don’t call it the Xfinity Center near the Hawaiian Shirt guy, as you will get your ass checked at the door. “It is and will always be Great Woods”, they would drunkenly say. They would talk about the good ol’ days when Marlboro’s were only 98 cents a pack. Inevitably, they’d bring up ‘Nam. My recent vacation to the Outer Banks of North Carolina with Maverick changed my thinking on this topic wholeheartedly.
Overall, it was quite the enlightening experience going down there. I learned to loathe that piece of human garbage known as Professor Hacker (see Maverick’s Mini Golf Blog). I learned that you need to wear your seat belt when driving on the beach, or you’ll get concussed smacking your head off the roof of the car when someone doesn’t drive on the flat sand. The biggest take away, though, was that I was wrong my entire life about the Hawaiian shirt and the lifestyle it brings.
If any of you are like me, and if you’re reading this still I assume you are, then you are an overweight hunk of mass that hates the warm weather and oppressive humidity. When on vacation in OBX (that’s what us cool kids call the Outer Banks), the humidity was never less than 80% and it was routinely around 100 degrees every day. For a fat, pasty pale Irish kid from Southeastern Mass, this is as close to hell as I would like to get.
That’s when Maverick convinced me to buy a Hawaiian Shirt at a local store called Super Wings, which is basically just Benny’s for the South. For a mere $14.99 American, we purchased our first Hawaiian Shirts. I was immediately shocked with how light and comfortable they were. It was basically like walking around shirtless for the entire week.
There’s a few distinct ways to wear the Hawaiian Shirt. The first is just with the top button undone. This is mainly when out at a fancy dinner or for lounging around the air conditioned house while writing blogs. Yes, I’m wearing one right now.
When you’re outside in the god awful heat, move on to phase two and take it down two buttons. It’ll help the air flow and keep you cool all day. Once the drinks start flowing, you move on to phase three.
Phase three is three buttons down. This is when you’re a few drinks deep and stop giving the little fucks you had to begin with. I went three buttons down at the beach, and it was the first time in my life that anyone actually walked up to me and said my outfit was “dope”. The camo Austin 3:16 hat really brought the Hawaiian ensemble together. I finally felt some sense of belonging in this cold, dark world.
The final phase is the “Fat Mac Phase” as I’d like to call it. That’s when all rules and common decency are out the window. Your beer belly is hanging out by this point and you’re slurring your words, but goddammit, you’re fucking comfortable.
Another good thing about the Hawaiian shirt is that you never have to wash them! The buttons will break off and the shirt will rip long before you have the opportunity to wash the dried stains of Diablo Sauce from Taco Bell off. It’s a win-win!
If this blog teaches you anything, let it be that you truly shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Next time I see a middle aged guy in public donning one of these bad boys, I’ll be sure to give him a nod because I recognize greatness when I see it. Here’s to you, Hawaiin Shirt Guy, you magnificent bastard.
-Will The Thrill-